Still alive...

I'm still alive.

As far as reading goes I'm half way through my Montaigne, but have been distracted by reading sci-fi... mostly Larry Niven. I've also been trying to figure out what I need to do to live a successful life... or more importantly what a successful life is.

...Another Dream...

I took a nap and dreamed a dream.

Part of it was spent in a grocery store. There I caught several glimpses of a girl I knew from college. There are things I said to her that may have alienated her. In fact, I'm sure that I did. But in the dream I was unsure how to deal with it. Eventually, I try to say "Hi" and I seek reconciliation. She told the guy she was with who I was, but still avoided me.

Reconciliation hurt. It hurts to seek it... even in my dreams. How sorry am I? So sorry; maybe sorry enough that the wounds will never heal.

Machiavelli: The Prince

I don't like Machiavelli. He's a despot and that bothers me. I'm not a despot; if I was my opinion about him might be different. There was one quoteation that I'd like to share with you.

"Therefore a wise prince ought to hold a third course by choosing the wise men in his state, and giving to them only the liberty of speaking the truth to him, and then only of those things of which he inquires, and of none others; but he ought to question them upon everything, and listen to their opinions, and afterwards form his own conclusions. With these councillors, separately and collectively, he ought to carry himself in such a way that each of them should know that, the more freely he shall speak, the more he shall be preferred; outside of these, he should listen to no one, pursue the thing resolved on, and be steadfast in his resolutions. He who does otherwise is either overthrown by flatterers, or is so often changed by varying opinions that he falls into contempt."

Listen to those you trust; think on your own; come to your own conclusions.

Augustine: The Confessions (Books I-VIII) [Part Two]

There is more and more to write about in Augustine.

"That said nation of darkness, which the Manichees are wont to set as an opposing mass over against Thee, what could it have done unto Thee, hadst Thou refused to fight with it? For, if they answered, 'it would have done Thee some hurt,' then shouldest Thou be subject to injury and corruption: but if 'it could do Thee no hurt,' then was no reason brought for Thy fighting with it;"

This is an interesting point in looking at the dichotomy of good and evil. It strikes on some assumptions of God, two primarily: God is all powerful and God fights against evil. This is a reminder to me that we attach a lot of assumptions about the nature of God and the spiritual realm. Some of this is just dogmatic, and some isn't... but without analyzing every tenant of faith how can we know?

The next quotation caught my attention. He begins to get into an understanding of Substance, I suppose. What is it that composes creation? Both that which exists and that which doesn't. He seems to be saying that (unchangeable) existence is good (Godly). So creation contains this, but also what is "not what Thou art."

"And I beheld the other things below Thee, and I perceived that they neither altogether are, nor altogether are not, for they are, since they are from Thee, but are not, because they are not what Thou art. For that truly is which remains unchangeably. It is good then for me to hold fast unto God; for if I remain not in Him, I cannot in myself; but He remaining in himself, reneweth all things. And Thou art the Lord my God, since Thou standest not in need of my goodness."

It makes me think about have composition of the world in two parts. My example will be a box, a sponge and a cube. All there are the same size on the outside. However they are different, not because of what they are made out of (they can all be made of the same material), but what space is not filled or occupied.

Stretching that further we end up looking at the world in binary either there or not; either Godly or non-existent. But we need to remember that there is a sponge that contains a different formation of existence and non-existence. Could it be that we are the sponges?

"That evil then, which I sought whence it is, is not any substance: for were it a substance, it should be good. For either it should be an incorruptible substance, and so a chief good; or a corruptible substance, which, unless it were good, could not be corrupted.

So I'm not sure how to keep going with the sponge analogy. How do you corrupt a sponge? Perhaps the size would be part of that. That a corrupted sponge is mooshed. Ideally the structure of the sponge is as large as possible?

The spiritual extrapolation of this could be that there is only so much existence, and the goal is to make it as large as possible. This requires planning and engineering; Building a structure that can support a lot without being made of a lot. In a sense it is a lot of nothing, but at the same time it is really well utilized resources. I'm thinking about a bridge. You want to make it sturdy and sound, but at the same time utilizing the resources available.

I like the next quote.

"Then I sought a way of obtaining strength, sufficient to enjoy Thee; and found it not until I embraced that, Mediator betwixt God and men, the man Christ Jesus,'..."

Then at the end of the first half of the Confessions Augustine converts. These are a few passages that I found meaningful.

"'Be it done now, be it done now.' And as I spake, I all but enacted it. I all but did it, and did it not: yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by, and took breath."

"Continence herself in all, not barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by Thee her Husband, O Lord. And she smiled on me with a persuasive mockery, as would she say, 'Canst not thou what these youths, what these maidens can? or can they either in themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The Lord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thyself, and so standest not? Cast thyself upon Him, fear not He will not withdraw Himself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself fearlessly upon Him, He will receive, and will heal thee.'"

"I cast myself down I know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears; and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee."

"I seized, opened and in silence read that section, on which my eyes first fell: 'Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying: but put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh,' in concupiscence. No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away."

Augustine: The Confessions (Books I-VIII) [Part one]

Epic. Why hasn't anyone ever told me to read this before? Sure it's challenging language with "thou", "shewed", and other words not commonly spoken today. Regardless of the effort, Augustine rewards the reader with this text. It's filled with deep questions of faith and the challenging pursuit of relationship with God. I have empathy for him over fifteen-hundred years later.

For who can call on Thee, not knowing Thee? For he that knoweth The not may call on Thee as other than Thou art. Or is it rather that we call on Thee that we may know Thee? But how shall they call on Him in Whom they have not believed?

As I go through the quotations that struck me, many of these are things that I struggled with. Here he proposes a Chicken or Egg question: What came first Faith or Familiarity? How can I even Believe in something so outrageous as a Loving God? How can I take the risk to know this God without believing in his 'Love'?

In my personal faith life I find that the Spirit breaks the loop; it makes the reach to my soul saying, "Hey YOU! Yeah YOU! There's something more... Look for it." In a sense you could say that it plants the seed of faith and familiarity. Then in my life it has a chance to grow from there.

Later in Book II he talks about his 16th year and the "Evils" that he lived...

Where was I, and how far was I exiled from the delights of Thy house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh, when the madness of lust (to which human shamelessness giveth free license, though unlicensed by Thy laws) took the rule over me, and I resigned myself wholly to it? My friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my fall; their only care was that I should learn to speak excellently and be a persuasive orator.

I find this very relevant to my life. I work in youth ministry; I've spent many a day filled with lust. I know this madness and what it is like to try to resist the blood curdling humanity of being a teenage boy. I went to a public school and later a fairly liberal college where sexuality was accepted (perhaps a bit too much). I love the line, "My friends meanwhile took no care by marriage to save my fall," because it is not a fall that can be averted alone. In what ways can we create a situation where it's easier to say, "no" to those things that should wait until marriage?

"I defiled, therefore, the spring of friendship with the filth of concupiscence, and I beclouded its brightness with the hell of lustfulness; and thus foul and unseemly, I would fain, through exceeding vanity, be fine and courtly. I fell headlong then into the love wherein I longed to be ensnared."

I understand this; It is an echo of my heart for many years. Perhaps, my heart was not in the same place as his, but it echos with the same lines. Later he talks about his lustfulness in book six... "Yet the matter was pressed on, and a maiden asked in marriage, two years under the fit age; and, as pleasing, was waited for." But he didn't wait...

But unhappy I, who could not imitate a very woman, impatient of delay, inasmuch as not till after two years was I to obtain her I sought, not being so much a lover of marriage as a slave to lust, procured another, though no wife, that so, by the servitude of an enduring custom, the disease of my soul might be kept up and carried on in its vigor, or even augmented, into the dominion of marriage.

But on that note. I've put off posting this too long. I'll finish the second half with a "Part Two" later.

Plutarch: Caesar

So I finished Caesar a while ago, but I have had some trouble deciding what I really wanted to write about. There is one quote that I found interesting.

"In his letter to his friends at Rome, he told them that the greatest and most signal pleasure his victory had given him was to be able continually to save the lives of fellow-citizens who had fought against him."

This ability to let go of grief or grudge fascinates me. He didn't long for the destruction of others, but was willing to acknowledge other's tactical defeat sparing their lives. In our world today, I don't find this. There is a great machine of revenge that seems to perpetuate more resentment and desire for revenge.

Perhaps we need to start looking at all Earthlings as "Fellow-Citizens" who we could have the pleasure of sparing. The propoganda, hate, and blood-feuding of people wastes so much of our time and resources.

Plutarch: Alexander

Not much that really caught my attention in reading this. There is one blip that I'll share...

The extent of King Taxiles's dominions in India was thought to be as large as Egypt, abounding in good pastures, and producing beautiful fruits. The king himself had the reputation of a wise man, and at his first interview with Alexander he spoke to him in these terms: "To what purpose," said he, "should we make war upon one another, if the design of your coming into these parts be not to rob us of our water or our necessary food, which are the only things that wise men are indispensably obliged to fight for? As for other riches and possessions, as they are accounted in the eye of the world, if I am better provided of them than you, I am ready to let you share with me; but if fortune has been more liberal to you than me, I have no objection to be obliged to you." This discourse pleased Alexander so much that, embracing him, "Do you think," said he to him, "your kind words and courteous behaviour will bring you off in this interview without a contest? No, you shall not escape so. I shall contend and do battle with you so far, that how obliging soever you are, you shall not have the better of me." Then receiving some presents from him, he returned him others of greater value, and to complete his bounty gave him in money ready coined one thousand talents; at which his old friends were much displeased, but it gained him the hearts of many of the barbarians.

How is that for Utopian? Only be willing to fight for that which is essential for life. What possessions in my life would I be willing to fight and die for? It seems to make sense that I should be willing to fight for the things I need to live. If I'm going to die without them I should be willing to risk my life for the chance to live.

Beyond that, what is worth fighting for?